Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
