wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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