Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
