why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
