what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
