When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
