I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
