My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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