Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
