Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
