did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
