Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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