suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
