Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
