My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
