I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
