Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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