We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
