I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think I died a long time ago.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
