At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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