my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
