Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
