What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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