i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
