how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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