It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
