Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
