Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"