If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
