There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
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