I've blown a few things in my day
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just pee around me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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