Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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