Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
