i think my mom watched the whole time
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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