He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
What a dumb baby whore.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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