We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
