she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
