Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
whose ass print is on the piano?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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