Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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