She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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