Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
