Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
