I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
