I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
