how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
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