my sisters under your porch take her home
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
