she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
