1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
