Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
