I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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