Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
