I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
someone owes me an orgasm
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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