i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My breasts were aching with rage.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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