tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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