I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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