it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wish i was in the wii world.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
