i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
