dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
